Waters on Outer Banks: Season 2 Premiere, Bay-beeeee

After a year and a half wait, Outer Banks is back. And so am I, I guess, to recap this special, special program.

Now that the world has inextricably changed in the most devastating fashion, how will this popular teen drama resonate? Will we still root for John B and his captivating hair that’s just as untamable as the tide itself? Will… the Pogues… find the… treasure map?

That can’t be right. That sounds like nonsense. We’ll need to sort this all out because the first season of Outer Banks feels like a dream I had during the flu.

Anyway, like signs displaying the current time and temperature, this is Waters on Outer Banks. (Cause they have those signs OUTside of BANKS. Wordplay.)

Season two, bay-beeeee. Hands in for “family.”

GOBBLE GOBBLE BAYBEEEE pic.twitter.com/cBrbBVZLLJ

— ceo of orange cassidy (@jonmoxIeys) November 28, 2019

When last we left off, John B was on the run with Sarah after he was framed for murder. In order to escape, they pulled a Dexter and drove their boat directly into a storm. Ultimately, the couple was rescued by a vessel headed to the Bahamas — exactly where Sarah’s villainous father had stashed the gold John B and the gang spent all last season searching for.

Picking back up, John B’s buddies mourn his supposed death the only way they know how — by defacing a tree. Meanwhile, Sarah’s dad tries to avoid suspicion from authorities while he shops for vaults on the internet. I guess buying a massive safe is something you have to deal with when you find buried treasure. These are known as ingot problems or the low-down doubloonies.

Out on sea, the captain of the ship carrying John B and Sarah learns of the $50,000 reward on his head for the alleged murder of the sheriff, who we all know was actually killed by Sarah’s brother in an effort to make his dad proud of him. The captain plans to turn John B in to the police, but must be careful not to reveal the illegal contraband on board. This is known as a deep-sea dilemma, nautical nuisance, or, simply, the bends.

John B and Sarah manage to escape port authorities and hide out in a swanky resort. A suspicious concierge questions their presence in the five-star hotel, leading Sarah to scare him off by using a white woman’s greatest power: demanding to speak to the manager.

John B steals a phone and sends a text to his friends back home, Kiara, Pope, the ever-troubled JJ. “The reports of my death are greatly exaggerated,” he quips. Not really. They just have a dumb text exchange, but everyone is relieved to learn their friend is still alive.

In an effort to clear John B’s name, his pals decide to spy on the pilot who flew the stolen gold out of the country for Sarah’s dad. Pope plants his phone in the pilot’s car. This is a good plan because criminals often sit in their station wagons and speak openly and loudly about their crimes. A majority of most criminal empires are brought down by someone just crouching down real low in the backseat.

Remarkably, Pope’s plan is successful. Kiara calls the pilot, saying she knows who murdered the sheriff. Naturally, the pilot gets in his car, VOICE DIALS SARAH’S DAD, and they have a frank discussion about the murder over speakerphone. Pope overhears this through his AirPods and learns the location of the pilot’s upcoming rendezvous with Sarah’s dad.

Since they are wanted by the police and illegally hiding out in a resort, John B and Sarah steal from the hotel buffet before slow-dancing in full view of staff and guests. Operating under the assumption that bad decisions cancel each other out — like when you get too drunk to feel a firecracker go off in your hand — John B sneaks over to Sarah’s family vacation home, where he believes the gold is hidden.

Of course, the guard is asleep. The doors are unlocked. Oh, and there is no alarm. It’s like the movie National Treasure, except instead of decrypting historical riddles, Nicolas Cage just had to finish the maze on the back of a kids’ menu at Shoney’s. If every case of breaking and entering was this easy, the movie would have been called Ocean’s 3: Scott Caan Sits in the Car the Whole Time.

Meanwhile, Sarah wakes to find John B missing. As she walks the unfamiliar streets alone at night in search of a sense of self-preservation, Sarah is spotted and quickly abducted.

This is, of course, related to the bounty on John B’s head, but also it could have just as easily been one of your routine abductions. Let me take this moment to remind the guys out there: Don’t walk closely behind women on empty streets at night. Give everybody plenty of space to feel safe. If you’re wondering why I’m making this PSA, simply turn on any piece of news.

John B is quickly brought in by the boat captain, smuggler, and now kidnapper. They quickly cut a deal after John B shows the smuggler the lone piece of gold he was able to hold onto. Oddly, the smuggler immediately puts the gold in his mouth and bites down like he’s at the Olympics.

In exchange for his freedom, John B agrees to lead the smuggler and his crew to the vault in Sarah’s vacation home, which he believes to be holding the rest of the gold. They easily re-enter the vacation home, but this time Sarah’s dad gets a notification that someone has entered the property.

Security arrives just as Sarah opens the safe using her birthday as the code. They close the safe, and the smuggler locks John B and Sarah in the vacation house as a means to distract the authorities. John B is apprehended.

Closing out the season two premiere, live cell phone footage of John B is broadcast to Sarah’s dad back in America. The true surprise here is how incredible cell phone reception is in the Bahamas. My signal goes out when I step into our back bathroom, but here we’ve got a security guard transmitting crystal clear video in dazzling 4K.

Incredible stuff this season. I can’t wait to further analyze people’s router locations and surge protectors as the season continues. See you next episode.