Listen, I’ll be the first to tell you that there is no ethical consumption under capitalism. But at the same time, a lot of us were socialized in shopping malls, and filling our lives with useless crap is an effective coping mechanism. With that in mind, let me introduce you to the world of movie memorabilia.
For many of you out there, the thought of owning a storyboard from Star Wars or James Bond’s actual spear gun feels like an impossibility. But thanks to the internet that is no longer the case.
With just the push of a button, you can start placing bids on the best movie props and memorabilia that online collectibles dealers have to offer. But why have something nice? Do you want your guests to resent you? Instead, please consider this curated list of legitimate movie props that no one should ever want.
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Ewoks were present during Hannibal Lecter’s thrilling third-act escape in Silence of the Lambs? Well, fret no more.
For a mere $789, you can own the rotting vestiges of an unfinished Ewok mask, as made famous by Return of the Jedi. You may be asking, “Why would I want a grotesque reminder of the least popular element of the original Star Wars trilogy?”
My response is why not spend a great deal of money to own the Star Wars equivalent of the Necronimicon or Shroud of Turin. Smash that “Add to your cart” button.
Date Movie Hitch Business Card
“Hey, check out my Hitch business card.”
“That’s cool. I really like the movie Hitch.”
“Oh, this is the Hitch business card from Date Movie.”
“I am calling the police on you.”
Brother & Sister Movie Poster
This movie is titled Brother & Sister. The poster clearly states “ADULTS ONLY.” You can fill in the incest… I mean rest. You can fill in THE REST.
Life-Sized Brad Pitt Dummy
How much does a full-sized dummy of Brad Pitt cost? Apparently $10,000. But this prop from war epic Fury is a little bit worse for wear due to all the world-warring that he was getting up to.
Constructed of silicone “skin” pulled over a foam rubber core, this is probably the closest you’ll come to realizing a mortally wounded, anachronistic Brad Pitt in your living room. Pose him for some pics for your personal dating profile. It’s technically not illegal. Technically.
The Mo-Cap Suit from Chappie
Digital artists spent hundreds of hours painstakingly removing all evidence of this costumery from Neill Blomkamp’s 2015 sci-fi marvel. Now it can be yours.
The movie Thunderpants is a somewhat charming children’s tale about a boy with magical farting abilities. It has the other guy from the Harry Potter movies. This is a book from that movie, which is actually a copy of the novelization of The Phantom Menace. This is a reminder that there are no rules.
Satyr Mask from Chronicles of Narnia
This is actually an incredibly detailed, beautifully made mask. It’s also only suitable for some sort of psychosexual mythological fetish odyssey.
This is some next-level Eyes Wide Shut business. The product description includes the phrase “realism is added to the mouth.” This is a $1,700 disguise to disrespect millionaires in, and I am all for it.
Austin Powers Cryogenic Chamber
If you’re in the North Hollywood area with an excess of living space — a common problem — then please consider picking up this massive Austin Powers prop in your pickup truck. Seriously, who is this for? Draw the Venn diagram of people who possess all of those qualifications.
Hollow Man Burn Mask
Speaking of unrecognizable sex pests, there’s some available wares from the Hollow Man set, which featured an invisible Kevin Bacon as a homicidal pervert. Fun aside: My cousin’s boyfriend rented Wild Things when we were younger, so my grandmother, mother, and I all saw Kevin Bacon’s penis at the same time. The fact that I didn’t grow up to become a serial killer that focuses on six degrees of separation with my victims is a miracle.
Anyway, why not populate your home with a ghoulish flame mask from the outdated invisible man thriller?
Dead Pitbull from Don’t Let Go
Want a dead dog mannequin from a movie that isn’t John Wick? Well, here you go.
Mel Gibson’s Wardrobe from What Women Want
Well, this was a different time. We once made a movie where a man could read women’s minds, and the best person for the role was Mel Gibson.
Tom Cruise Face Mold
It’s a face mold — or life cast, I guess — of Tom Cruise from 1996’s Mission Impossible. I’m not saying it is bestowed with superhuman powers, but what are the rules for this guy?
I’m a short boy too, but he’s broken all the rules. He’s hanging out of planes and going into space. Could this mask grant you eternal youth? Who’s to say?
Screen-Used Rock from It
This rock is $1,200. People are homeless, and this rock is $1,200.
Barbed Wire Dolls
So, do you remember how carnival rides would have unsettling, oddly distorted depictions of famous movie characters painted on the side? Well, preserve that same art style in your home with this exploitation celebration.
Cast Away Dead FedEx Pilot
“I maintain a mannequin of a dead man in my home.”
“Oh, snap. That is kinda crazy. Is assume there’s a sound reason for such behavior.”
“It’s the FedEx pilot from the movie Cast Away.”
Blade II Blood Cocaine
I would never publicly advocate for an illicit drug. But apparently there is a vampire blood cocaine sequence in the Blade sequel. I am all in favor of that.
Let’s just turn up the Skinny Puppy and purchase this vampire blood cocaine from Blade II, and commit it to the regular Marvel Cinematic Universe.
Also, real talk, there is a Gotham newspaper used in the Tim Burton Batman movies to notify readers of the death of Batman’s parents — and I want it. I deeply want this thing I can do nothing with. It’s a common feeling, I’m sure.