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The First Rule of Met Gala Is There Are No Rules

The Met Gala theme this year was “In America: A Lexicon of Fashion” and literally no one knows what that meant exactly. As Tracee Ellis Ross summed it up, “It means all of the things.” It’s fashion. Not AP English.

Kim Kardashian came as a ninja, Kim Petras came as a horse, and Dan Levy came as a resolute map (which has America on it so we’ll let that one pass) designed by activist David Wojnarowicz.

The hosts, recent Emmy winner Keke Palmer and Ilana Glazer, were great interviewing during the live show but my heart went out to them each time they had to ask someone how their style reflected the theme of American fashion. Every response sounded like their teacher caught them off guard about a homework assignment they did not do, and they hoped their confidence drowned out the nonsense coming out of their mouths.

One of these people was Latin artist and thirst trap Maluma, looking like Nick Miller from New Girl got a glow-up in this ridiculous red leather cowboy costume designed by Donatella Versace.

I thought there would be a lot of star-spangled-banner-themed gowns and not so much denim and cowboy. This will come as a shock to you, but I am not a fashion icon and would have taken this theme very literally and dressed as George Washington with an American flag cape. If an immigrant was given the assignment to come up with a connection to America and we went with “denim cowboy” we would have been deported.

I don’t like it. I hated it when Britney and Justin wore all denim at the American Music Awards 20 years ago and I also did not like it on Ben Platt or Lupita Nyong’o. Did she look stunning? Yes. Did she understand the assignment more than most? Absolutely. Would I wear any denim or plastic gown designed by Versace? Of course. But none of that justifies denim as couture. And yes, I am judging everyone while I’m dressed in the same pajamas I wore last night to judge the VMAs. What is your point?

There were some VMA repeats besides my PJs. I don’t know how they got the energy to get dressed up again and show up to another red carpet event, but in Megan Fox’s defense she didn’t wear much last night anyway. As usual she looked incredibly gorgeous in red tonight and when questioned about the American theme of her dress she said “it’s on an American girl.” Respect.

My dream BFFs Olivia Rodrigo and Kacey Musgraves were back. Ciara too, whose outfit paid homage to her husband, Russell Wilson. Sisters Halle and Chloe were present; also Rita Ora with my crush Taika Waititi (we don’t talk enough about how handsome he is). My new favorite couple, Hailey and Justin Bieber, were there, both looking amazing in clothes that fit (I’m looking at you, Justin). Of course Lil Nas X, who totally made up for the purple travesty he wore last night with a golden armor he shed to reveal a bedazzled bodysuit underneath.

Honestly, Lil Nas X is truly an amazing person besides being a talented artist with the body of a Greek God. He’s such a positive person and I hope he sees nothing but success in his life. I hope he writes a children’s book one day to share his secret for all that positivity and strong outlook on life. He’s really honed in on not giving a shit what people think and being his best self. That’s a lesson you’re never too young or too old to learn.

I want some of that chutzpah to rub off on Billie Eilish, who is an absolute gift to this world and it breaks my heart the crap she goes through because of our expectations of her. She spent a good amount of the red carpet interview explaining why she chose to glam up instead of her usual casual, baggy attire. She looked so beautiful and I hope she channels her inner Lil Nas X to not give a fuck about what anyone thinks and realizes she owes no one an explanation for what she wears, says, or does.

Addison Rae was there. But where isn’t she, amirite?

Nicki Minaj was not there because she’s not vaccinated. Zendaya is being held hostage shooting Euphoria, and where were Selena Gomez and Beyoncé? First the VMAs and now this?

I got worried about Stephen Curry because he sounded like he was in major trouble with his wife during the red carpet interview. He was saying all the right things about how beautiful she is, and how much he’s enjoying their “date night” at the gala without kids and loves seeing her happy. I hope he’s OK and she forgives him for whatever he said or did on their way to the Met Gala. I’m rooting for you guys.

The most outrageous outfit – besides Kim Petras – was Iman. She described her costume as “a ray of light after all the darkness.” She is referring to the pandemic, something a lot of the celebrities brought up and were grateful to be able to return to “normal” after having suffered for so long. I don’t want to have a victim competition, but I don’t think most of them suffered in a way that is detrimental to their lives and careers. With that said, I really did love Iman’s message and also her shout out to young designers, the “new blood” in the industry, especially Black designers who she said have always been there but now there’s a light on them.

I’ve been watching the arrivals and interviews for an hour and Keke keeps saying to the guests that she’ll see them later. Where? It occurred to me that I don’t even know what the Met Gala actually is. Literally thought they just go home after showing off their outfits that cost more than my graduate school education.

It turns out all this opulence is to raise funds for the Metropolitan Museum of Art’s Costume Institute in New York City. Sure, all the celebrities and designers could have just given the money they used to create and make those outfits they’ll never wear again, but then what would I do on a Monday night? Tend to myself and my family? No thanks.

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Written By

Orly Minazad is freelance writer and regrets it every day of her life. She moved to the States from Iran in 1991 with her family seeking better opportunities only to waste them earning a Masters in Professional Writing degree from USC which no longer exists, cost a lot of money and for which she has nothing to show. No, she is not bitter at all. Why do you ask? Oh you didn't, ok. She lives with her husband and son in Los Angeles where she spends the day loading and unloading the dishwasher.

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