I don’t have a lot of time to spend on social media. I go on Instagram, where I follow hot women trainers once in a blue moon just to feel bad enough about myself to go exercise but not bad enough where I sit in the shower and cry in the fetal position (I do that for other reasons). Twitter is where I get my news, funny memes, and learn what’s trending, so I seem cool and relevant to other people who are also probably just doing the same thing, faking it. These past weeks have been particularly packed with stories and news I did not understand or could not seem to get to the bottom of and when I did, as you’ll see, I learned there was nothing to get to the bottom of. Most of it was a waste of time. So, you’re welcome for this round up!
Cinnamon Toast Shrimp Tails
This story has a lot of twists and turns. You know the basics. Jensen Karp found a couple of shrimp tails generously coated with cinnamon and sugar in his Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and – pending a lab test – also some mice poop cooked into the squares. This was disturbing and put an end to any fantasy I had of buying sugary cereals as an adult with abandon. But while we were all rooting for him, he was exposed by an ex for being a “manipulative gaslighting narcissistic ex-boyfriend” who once encouraged her (Melissa Stetten) to kill herself. And she’s not the only one calling him out on his toxicity. Women he’s worked with or has been linked with romantically have vouched for his shittiness. Makes sense that he’s married to Topanga from Boy Meets World, who all Millennials having grown up on TGIF know is the worst. So at the end of the day, this is actually a feel good story, of a man who deserved to eat a whole bowl of rat poop cereal with a side of discarded shrimp tails. I had never believed in karma before, but this gave me hope, that one day this toxic girl Narsis I dislike will find a used condom and a meth addict’s lost tooth in her Coco Puffs.
I can’t doom scroll in peace without running into someone commenting passionately about “the Snyder Cut.” What is it? Is Snyder a person and they’ve made a cut of a movie? Or is Snyder Cut one thing? Is that the title of a movie? I know, I know in my heart of hearts, that whatever Snyder Cut is, I won’t care and it will make zero difference in my life. But I also know that I won’t sleep at night unless I find out what it is so I can confidently say IDGAF about this. And I was right. I didn’t go past “…is the 2021 director’s cut of the 2017 American epic superhero film Justice League” on Wikipedia. There’s a director/producer named Zack Snyder who looks like Tony Hawk (I don’t know, maybe he doesn’t. Sometimes white guys all look the same to me) and he makes superhero movies. From my understanding, he made a black and white version of a movie that already exists in color, Justice League. I did explore some scenes and have to admit, I did enjoy the fine craftsmanship, the sexual tension between Flash and Iris West, and Henry Cavill’s chin, but not enough to sit through four hours of this.
I thought at first, like many people, that it had something to do with Wanda Sykes. Like some variety show or talk show she’s hosting. Then I kept seeing images of this red-faced guy as a baby and it was creepy as hell and not really on brand with Wanda Sykes. My 12-year-old nephew said he loved it and immediately I realized: One, it has nothing to do Wanda Sykes, and two, it’s probably about superheroes and I would hate it. Or at best would not get it. I was right on all accounts. I’d be way more into it if it was a Wanda Sykes show. She deserves it and so do we.
There’s never been a person whose existence called for so much of an overreaction than Chrissy Teigen. Either she is the queen of the world and can do no wrong, or she’s a rich elitist child-molesting attention whore. I’m happy to report I don’t fall under either category, especially not the latter Q-anon inspired theory. I generally don’t have the tendency to love or hate celebrities so passionately as some people do online. (Except Gal Gadot. I can’t stand her for some reason and I have no intentions of changing my mind.)
(Editor’s Note: We have first hand knowledge that Gal Godot is a wonderful human being, and Orly has already begrudgingly changed her position on the matter.)
Recently Teigen deleted her Twitter account for good (maybe) because she couldn’t take the abuse by the trolls anymore no matter how big and supportive her fan base was. She wrote to her over 13 million followers before leaving, “This no longer serves me as positively as it serves me negatively, and I think that’s the right time to call something… My life goal is to make people happy. The pain I feel when I don’t is too much for me. I’ve always been portrayed as the strong clap back girl but I’m just not.” Sure it’s a little melodramatic, but I also don’t have the kind of presence she has on Twitter (or anywhere else for that matter) to even begin to relate to this. I’m the kind of person who quietly leaves a party without saying goodbye, hoping – or knowing – I’ll go unnoticed. Teigen on the other hands seems to be running the party, all the parties actually. There are people celebrating her leaving as if they didn’t have the option to just not follow her or at least mute her. Then there are her fans, who feel her loss as if their favorite grandma died and now they don’t know what to do with themselves. I personally think she’ll be fine. She’s a wealthy, well-connected celebrity with all the resources she needs, a career, and a family. Let’s all worry about ourselves. Also, we need to stop being so obsessed with celebrities to begin with. It’s weird.
Krispy Kreme is giving away a donut every day to whoever is vaccinated and apparently, like Chrissy Teigen’s existence, this has sparked a lot of overreaction from people who are super excited about free donuts every day, and kale poppers who claim if the pandemic doesn’t kill us all, these donuts will. Then there are people applauding Krispy Kreme for their efforts. But I’m sorry, Krispy Kreme isn’t doing something amazing. Donuts are not that expensive. They can afford to give one away every day. It’s not that big of a deal and they don’t need a pat on the back. Then there are health experts or doctors who are worried Krispy Kreme is promoting unhealthy habits and behaviors. But honestly if someone wanted to eat a donut every day that’s doable, even without it being free. Now if Sprinkles Cupcakes was giving away free cupcakes a day, that would be a conversation worth having. And the conversation would be where do I go to get all the vaccines?
Honestly I have no answers for this. This is a plea for someone to explain it to me. I asked my friend Dave, a tech nerd and sender of weird videos I never watch, about this and this was his response: I know it stands for Non-fungible Token, meaning you can’t exchange it the way you can exchange bitcoin (which I also don’t know anything about, so this may not be helpful). It seems to be a digital way of selling art. And that’s as much as I understand and will not be taking further questions.
Raunchy Mrs. Doubtfire
I love Robin Williams. I love him and the movie so much that I didn’t even question how his kids or Sally Field didn’t know their new housekeeper was actually him. Like when Bugs Bunny wears a top hat and he’s no longer recognizable as a rabbit but is now a rich tycoon. It’s not that good of a disguise but OK, I’ll play along. Director Chris Columbus claimed in an interview that they have a lot of cuts of Williams just going rogue and improvising. And, as the internet likes to do, they took that information to assume there’s going to be an NC-17 rated version of the movie. There is not. Thank god for that. In fact, there is no NC-17 cut. He said that as a joke. There is, however, a rated-R version, which I still don’t want to see. The most we’ll get is a documentary. Take it or leave it, you pervs.
JLo and Arod
Are you together or not? Make up your mind. I don’t care, but I’m tired of the WhatsApp group chats, so I just want to put this to rest. My understanding is they’re still together as of this second and trying, very publicly, to make up. “Alex remains committed to working on things with Jennifer,” according to E!. “It was important to Jennifer that Alex stepped up in a public way and showed his level of commitment to her with a trip to see her while working. Jennifer appreciates big gestures like these.” Tell me that doesn’t sound like someone has a gun to his head. And by “someone” I mean their publicist. I will reiterate once again, maybe if we didn’t obsess about celebrities so much, they wouldn’t go to these lengths to make us “happy” by pretending to be happy themselves. Then again, maybe if my husband and I were hot celebrities, he’d work a little harder to apologize than bring me half-dead flowers from Trader Joes or one single cupcake that he insists we share.
I don’t have anything more to add to this than what’s already been said. I do want to say, though, that her hot trainer boyfriend is Persian and that’s been great for my people. We take representation wherever we can get it. Especially one that showers a deserving person with love, kindness and an amazing abs workout regimen. Good for both of them and I hope her dad and anti-vaxxer Justin Timberlake also find used condoms and rodent teeth in their Coco Puffs. Positive vibes only.