Wayward Sex Nerds Pop Culture Explainer

It’s been a long week, so without further ado I present to you all the pop culture moments that either shook me, confused me, or made me question nerdy men with power and fame.

John Mulaney and Olivia Munn

By now I hope we’ve all moved on from Bennifer. Let’s talk about John Mulaney and Olivia Munn, or Jolivia if you will, and this whole shady business of them getting together within days of him announcing his divorce.

And no, internet trolls, I will not mind my own business.

My “own business” is very boring. I have nothing going on in my life besides school drop off/pick up and figuring out what happened to the matching lids to my Tupperware. Trust me when I say my thoughts and feelings have zero impact on Jolivia.

As I was saying.

John Mulaney asked his wife, artist Anne Tendler, for a divorce after he returned from rehab (sad but nothing wrong with that. In fact, I’m surprised most people aren’t divorced). And then in the same week he was already in a relationship with Olivia Munn (a lot wrong with that. WTF. Question: was he cheating the whole time?) And that fast I went from “Recovery is hard and we should all respect his privacy and allow him the space he needs on his journey to heal and find peace” to “YOU TRIFLING SON OF A BITCH HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ALL OF US.”

Apparently Jolivia met at Seth Meyers’s wedding years ago and Munn was “obsessed” with him in a way only hot people can get away with being obsessed with a celebrity and not be served with a restraining order. “At first it was cool, and then I kept going up to him at the wedding like ‘So, you having fun?’ I was just so obsessed with hanging out with and talking with him.” Is this a meet cute? Following some guy around at a party while he’s with his fiance? Why would she announce this? And then she emailed him and he ignored her. The things hot people get away with. If I did this I’d have to call my husband to bail me out of jail and explain why I am no longer allowed to go within 100 feet of Henry Cavill.

It looks like the wedding was just an introduction, and they met again at church years later. (Under what circumstances, may I ask?) Which confirms my belief that religion causes nothing but destruction (i.e., the Crusades, the Inquisition and now this). Hence why I’m an atheist.

Yes, I get a little invested in the lives of comics I love. There’s nothing like watching someone on stage be so open, vulnerable, and relatable to make you feel close to them. And this one hit me hard because maybe I had a fantasy of what kind of a guy Mulaney was. A fantasy mainly fueled by his own stories. So having left his wife and quickly jumped into another relationship with a beautiful actress who’d been shamelessly stalking him knowing he’s with someone doesn’t really scream “I need to be alone to figure out my life” but rather “a hot woman is literally obsessed with me and I’m insecure enough to go with it.”

I’m “obsessed” with Henry Cavill, but if he rolls up at my house after I stalk him at a party, I’m not going to all of a sudden leave my husband… OK I see it now. Best wishes to those horny lovebirds.

Bill and Melinda Gates

Unlike Mulaney and Tendler’s divorce, which had me in the shower in a fetal position crying, this one wasn’t that big of a surprise.

What was a little bit surprising is that Gates allegedly turned out to be kind of a whore. Not the fun ethical kind. But the adulterous kind. Who saw that coming? Probably every woman on earth who’s worked for a successful man so knee deep in power and money he thinks he has a right to cheat on his wife at a foundation literally named after her.

According to the New York Times, “Melinda French Gates voiced concerns about her husband’s relationship with Jeffrey Epstein and a harassment claim against his money manager. He also had an affair with an employee.” He didn’t just have an affair with an employee. He’s been reportedly asking his female employees out–and getting rejected–since 1996. Which begs the question: where did he find the time? Probably while Melinda was busy actually working.

It’s hard to reconcile the idea of someone “good” with such shady actions. But this confirms that just because someone is a philanthropist doesn’t mean we need to worship them as a savior. There are a lot of shitty men who do good. Also if you have the power and money to do good, you should. I’m not going to throw you a parade because you’re giving back to the community that helped you get rich.

In conclusion, Melinda and Anne deserve better.

Dogecoin

I understand Dogecoin the way I understand Monopoly money, in that it’s meaningless but some old white billionaire in a top hat has convinced us it’s legit so now I’m wondering if future me will regret not investing in it.

In this case Elon Musk is the white billionaire, but without the top hat.

I can’t invest in something I don’t get. And please don’t say it’s “like Bitcoin.” I already know it’s like Bitcoin because I don’t understand that either.

According to Forbes, “Dogecoin was originally created at least in part as a lighthearted joke for crypto enthusiasts” and now “has become the fifth largest cryptocurrency by market cap.” How am I supposed to trust something that started as a “lighthearted joke” but now may be the reason why I can’t afford to buy Pennsylvania Railroad or invest in multiple hotels on Atlantic Ave.?

I’m sorry, future me, but you’re going to be broke in real life as much as you are when you play Monopoly with your 6-year-old.

Cheugy

Speaking of me not staying relevant, let’s discuss the term Cheugy. Cheugy (pronounced CHEW-gee) has been trolling me non stop as if the universe is trying to tell me something. And that something is that I’m old and not cool and being in denial makes me even less cool. Cheugy describes people (Millennials) who are out of date and/or trying too hard. Basically what my generation Z niece accuses me of when or if she ever answers my text messages or acknowledges my existence. But not with that word because using the word “cheugy” is apparently very cheugy.

But if I’m so cheugy, why is she raiding my closet for clothes I wore in “the 90s”? You can’t call me out of date and at the same time dress like the cast of Clueless (including Tai before her makeover).

And, of course, the creator of Cheugy is trying to cash in via NFT. Non Fungible Tokens. I wrote about them already, as in, I have no fucking idea about them. I don’t get those, either, and I wish people would stop it with shit nobody gets.

Decided to do the cheugiest thing possible and make an NFT out of the word cheugy. Place your bids cheugshttps://t.co/fpNFYJigV5

— cheug-a-roo (@gabyrasson) May 9, 2021

Get yo money, girl! Hope it works out and you get paid in tons of bitcoin or dogecoin or altcoin or some fucking coin.

I have to hand it to her and her generation. They DGAF what we think and have made it cool to shop at thrift stores, which has helped kill the fast fashion industry that’s been plaguing the environment. They are perched up on their high horse looking down at us Millennials still living in our parents’ basements.

And they’re right to call us out on some of The Millennial trends; fedora hats, accessories and clothing with giant logos, and terms like Girl Boss. I’m proud to say I was never a “Cardio is Hardio” T-shirt kind of girl, so no love lost there.

The other day this generation Z-er had her credit card stuck in the parking pay machine at Target and couldn’t get it out because her nails were long, pointy and bedazzled with jewels, so I came to her rescue with my short, bare, compliant, cheugy fingers.

That’s given me a sense of purpose like nothing else and I have since embraced my cheugyness.

Addison Rae

What I will not embrace is Addison Rae. Who is she? Why is she famous and why is she at the MTV Movie Awards? Was she in a movie? (I know this is very cheugy but remember, I’ve embraced it.)

I saw the slobbery kiss she was trending for and immediately wondered where her parents are. If I tried that when I was her age, I’d be sent back to live with my estranged family in Iran. No questions asked. And here she is on live TV going to town on this guy whose identity I also have no knowledge of. Meanwhile I’m here wondering if sex with my own husband is even appropriate.

Lee Pace

I don’t know who Lee Pace is either but I’m glad he’s fully vaccinated. Thanks to Melinda Gates.

Ariana and Dalton

A big mazal tov to Ariana Grande and her husband Dalton Gomez, who learned nothing from the couples above and got married anyway over the weekend in a small “less than 20 people” ceremony.

My one and only question is, how did they manage to keep the ceremony under 20 people? I am an absolute nobody and there’s no way I could have gotten away with inviting less than 400 people to my wedding. I didn’t know 360 of them. Another example of how being a product of immigrants has ruined my life.

I wish Arialton all the best and looking forward to their Grande babies. Get it? Grandbabies? Grandebabies?

I’ll see myself out.