Warning! This is a recap, which, as you might imagine, reveals all spoilers. Proceed with caution.
At the end of last week’s banger of a first episode, we were about to find out Jamie’s fate on Lust Conquers All. And in a shocking turn of events, he gets kicked off!
Once Jamie’s back in the real world, we learn that not only did he leave Manchester City at the start of the season in search of reality-TV fame, now the coach doesn’t want him back. Seems he’s fed-up with the famous Tartt, which means that Jamie is a free agent. But when Jamie meets with his talent agent to talk about his football future, he discovers he doesn’t have one. Apparently, Jamie’s too much of a liability and nobody wants him. Plus, the entire country is pretty pissed that he cheated on his Lust Conquers All ladylove, Amy, when he had jacuzzi sex with Denise. It’s disappointment all around for Tartt.
Back in Richmond, Keeley’s still worried about Roy’s refusal to hang out with his old teammates or focus on the future of his own career. Especially now that the soccer season is over for his little shits – ahem, I mean, beloved primary school girls’ team. Roy’s about to have a lot of time on his hands and he can’t just sit around and watch Nigella Lawson cook chicken cordon bleu all day. But that still doesn’t mean he’s ready to chat about his feelings just yet – especially not with Ted.
Speaking of Ted – he rides on the back of this lawnmower. Is it relevant to the plot? No. But look how happy he is!
But Ted’s smile disappears when he sees Sharon show up to the club. Turns out, Higgins hired her on for the rest of the season. And Ted is mad about this! Why? Well, he can’t really explain why. He just is. But gosh darnit, he’s going to try to get through to Sharon! So, he brings her a box of his world-famous biscuits.
Turns out Sharon doesn’t like sugar, but she is intrigued by Ted. And she breaks him down like a math problem. Carry the one, solve for x, what do you get? The ability to see through Ted’s charm and attempts to disarm those around him with gifts, compliments, and general friendly demeanor. What’s wrong with this? Nothing on the surface, but I think we all know Ted’s optimism is often a way to suppress his own negative emotions so that he doesn’t have to deal with them. That’s going to come back to bite him this season, especially with Sharon around – and Ted knows it. But we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Sad-puppy Jamie tracks down Keeley to get some advice. He wants to play for Richmond again, but he’s not sure how to find his way back. Seeing Jamie’s vulnerability and willingness to open up makes Keeley wish she could get more of that from steely Roy, but Roy thinks shit like that is pathetic. Keeley tells Roy that she thinks the real reason he won’t try his hand at being a football pundit is because it’ll make him vulnerable and he’s afraid he’ll fail – and there’s nothing Roy hates more than vulnerability. In the end, Roy agrees to give it a go – if nothing else, so he can prove to Keeley wrong. But I think we all know that’s unlikely.
When Roy does finally make his TV debut, he fucking nails it. Turns out that Roy is the Simon Cowell of football pundits. He’s not afraid to call a team shit if they play like shit, and the people love it. Keeley probably has some kind of “I told you so” speech when Ray returns but honestly, I wasn’t paying attention because I was too busy wondering what Juno Temple’s workout routine is. Ummmm… hello abs!
Whatever – Roy Kent is back, baby!
After his chat with Keeley, Jamie tracks down Ted to talk about coming back to Richmond. Ted wants to know why Jamie went on that reality show in the first place when he was doing so well up in Manchester. He’s not buying Jamie’s lame “I wanted to boost my brand” excuse, so Jamie comes clean: He did it to piss off his dad. If you’ll remember back to the season 1 finale, we caught a glimpse of Jamie’s dad screaming at him after he won the match. His dad’s a prick, so Jamie’s reasoning is understandable. Ted feels for him, but he still doesn’t think it’s a good idea for Jamie to return to Richmond. He burned too many bridges when he left.
One of the boys at the bar gets a photo of Ted and Jamie together and posts it to Twitter, despite Mae telling him to fuck off (and getting her own weird, long block shot that I’m not totally sure what to make of).
When the team finds out that Ted met with Tartt behind their backs, they draw their own conclusions and think Jamie’s coming back. And they’re pissed. Sweet baby Sam even storms off the pitch! He feels like a jerk when he finds out Ted told Jamie no thank you, but this conversation with Sam makes Ted think… maybe he should give Jamie a second chance. Ted seeks advice from the Diamond Dogs but even they’re indecisive about it.
Ted ends up finding his answer in the last person he expected: Doc Sharon. She reminds him that while team morale is great, they’ve had eight straight draws this season and remain winless. Ted’s gotta fix things somehow, and the team might not like it, but they need Jamie. So, Ted goes against the team’s wishes and brings him back.
When Jamie shows up on the pitch ready for practice, his old teammates are gobsmacked and angry, especially Sam. Will Jamie do what Ted hopes and turn this team around, or only make things worse? And what will Roy Kent have to say about all this on his next pundit gig? Nothing kind – that’s for sure. We accomplished a lot this episode, gang. Can’t wait to see how it all shakes out next week. See you then!
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