Summer 2021 is the summer we’ve been waiting for since 2020. We’ve been aching to get our faces in the sun and our feet in the grass. Everything is open, everywhere, and you need to get out there and get your best life after months of pale hibernation. If you’re carrying some extra pounds from stress eating, don’t worry. You can declare it Hot Fat Girl Summer, because “fat” is a description of your pulchritude and not a value judgment. So, get your confidence up, suit your body up, and keep the party going until September. Here’s how to do it.
Watch Shrill, a Hot Fat Girl Summer primer.
You must do this. If you don’t want to watch the full series, just watch Season 3. As we all know, representation matters, and this show represents all that we need our Hot Fat Girl Summer to be. The characters have jobs, and fun, and manage to fit their friends and lovers into their lives with not too much trouble. Most importantly, the Hot Fat Girls on the show wear amazing clothes. They’re actually cute and stylish and make the women look incredible. Annie, the main character, doesn’t hide behind muumuus and long sleeves. She wears mini skirts and strapless dresses and calls attention to herself with ruffles and sequins. Seeing a woman of size be fashionable and not ashamed to show her body is a breath of fresh air and also makes me want to do some shopping. If you can see it, you can be it, and we want to be confidently hot.
Another reason to watch Shrill is because the fat women have good sex. They have it with other fat people, but they also have lots of sex with thin partners, both male and female. I think there’s a myth that only fat people belong together or that thin people don’t find heavy people sexually attractive. (There’s a whole episode about that, by the way.) Let me tell you that it’s a myth. I was always a fat kid, except for during the fen-phen years, and never thought men would find me attractive. Then I met and slept with a man who loved all of my curves, even my belly which I’ve forever hated. He showed me that I could be sexy at my size, and that opened me to a new level of confidence in my sexuality. I felt “I can steal your man” hot, and I may have actually stolen a man or two. Just know that you can’t have a Hot Fat Girl Summer without feeling your sexual oats, and seeing other Hot Fat Girls being sexually attractive can help bring out your inner sex goddess.
Buy a bikini. Wear it.
Don’t scoff at me about how your thighs haven’t seen the light of day in this century. Your arguments are invalid. You’ve already seen some fat babes prancing around with their bits out on TV, and you can do it too.
Here’s how to get your bikini on. Go to a website that has all the plus-size swimwear, like GabiFresh, who should be the exclusive outfitter of Hot Fat Girl Summer. She’s got suits with bra-sized tops and supportive bottoms, should you want a little extra structure. She’s got bright colors, fishnets, and faux leather. She’s got one-piece swimsuits that still show as much skin as a bikini, in case you want to take a dip in the ocean in your suit instead of just lounging bodaciously on the beach. Plus-size model Ashley Graham also has a swimsuit line full of bikinis with high-waisted bottoms, if you’re nervous about your midsection. She also has a basic string bikini in a luxurious fabric in a size 22, because we all deserve to wear the standard for beach sexy in a realistic size. You can even find plus-size bikinis at places like Amazon and Old Navy, where particularly Hot Fat Girl Tabria Majors flaunts her over-200-pound body in all its glory. Your body is beautiful, and it’s hot outside, so show off your sexy self.
I’ve always been an “if they make it in my size, I’m going to wear it” kind of person. Back in the early aughts, I lucked upon an orange, tropical print string bikini in a size 18. I ordered it from a catalog for a trip to the Dominican Republic I had planned, because a tropical vacation deserves a tropical bathing suit. It was the first two-piece I’d worn since my childhood, and even then, I’d only worn it for one summer until I “learned” that I was too fat to be showing my stomach. Nevertheless, I put on the orange outfit on my first day in the Republic and sauntered to the pool with my similarly plus-size cousins. They all complimented my guts. For the whole weekend, every time I stood up to go somewhere, like into the pool or to the bar, the male workers gaily hummed a chorus of “Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polkadot Bikini” in their appreciation. I also got my omelette and juice delivered to my table every day at breakfast for the rest of my stay at the resort. These days, my swimsuits have a little more support and more coverage, but my belly is still out in the sun where it belongs from May to September.
Get a pedicure.
You can not be a Hot Girl of any stripe unless you take care of your feet. It’s just necessary. We’ve had a terrible winter, and if you’re anything like me, you let everything below the waist deteriorate until the first thaw. We can go to salons again, and we need to have our heels scraped and our toenails painted in festive colors. We deserve it. Pedicures also include foot and leg massages, and sometimes a shoulder and neck massage. After working from home, sitting at makeshift desks, we need a little pampering to be our Hot Fat Girl best.
Fortunately, I have a dear boyfriend who massages my feet with peppermint foot lotion. But I’d never let him touch my hooves if they looked like, well, hooves. Winter feet are dry and calloused, and that’s just not the stuff of Hot Fat Girl foot fantasies. I’m pretty sure that I could convince my man to paint my toenails too, but he wouldn’t be good at nipping cuticles or filing my nails to a perfect squoval. This has almost nothing to do with anything, but I just like mentioning that my Hot Fat Girl Summer has started early and that yours can too. So get those feet right.
Learn how to strut.
It worked for Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever, and it can work for you. When you have a confident walk, people notice your confidence, and Hot Fat Girls are nothing but confident. That cocksure walk tells people that you’re happy with yourself, no matter what they might think about you. You’ve got an inner glow, and your strut brings the inside to the outside. No Hot Fat Girl Summer can be complete without a sashay around the pool, or through the park, or down that street with the cute shoe store.
If strutting isn’t usually your thing, try this: Think of your favorite upbeat song and try walking to the beat. Dance a little in your head and bop along to whatever tune gets you feeling good and wanting to show it. Don’t exaggerate your movements; keep it natural and flowing to the music. Practice in front of your cat or your roommate, but not in front of the mirror because that will make you self-conscious. Remember that a true Hot Fat Girl cares more about how she feels than how she might look to others.
Get a fan, because actually being hot is annoying.
Everything looks better when it’s a little windblown, and you will look as cool as a cucumber if you carry a battery-powered fan or a color-coordinated hand fan. If you’re anything like me, you have underboob sweat, knee sweat, crook of the elbow sweat, and a serious case of makeup meltdown if the temperature tops 70 degrees. We want to be hawt this summer, not actually hot. If you doubt the power of the fan in creating Hot Girl allure, think about Beyonce’s windblown hair and flowing costumes on stage. They wouldn’t be nearly as cool were it not for cleverly placed wind machines. You can carry your own personal wind machine all summer.
Finally, have a good time!
Because you can’t really be a Hot Girl of any size unless you’re having fun.