The premise of HBO’s new dating show FBoy Island is similar to The Most Dangerous Game, except instead of being marooned with a demented millionaire trophy-hunter, it’s two dozen potential sex pests. It sounds a lot more compelling than it is.
Yes, this dating show has trapped its three female contestants on an island with 24 men, half of whom are “self-proclaimed fboys.” According to Urban Dictionary, an fboy is someone “who only wants you for your looks, body, and pressures you into sexual activity.” This doesn’t seem like the best environment to find true love, but what do I know? Maybe a lot of Fyre Fest attendees ended up together in committed relationships. Extreme dehydration breeds affection.
Also at stake with this show is a $100,000 cash prize, which goes to whomever survives elimination, I guess. No one takes the time to explain. Our three female contestants are Nakia the stylist, Sarah the social media manager, and CJ the content creator. Yes, be ready for lots of Web 2.0 job titles on this show.
Contestant Peter’s job is listed as “child care/influencer,” so he’s a babysitter with an Instagram account. Casey is an IT recruiter. Garrett M is a Bitcoin investor. And Greg is a TikToker. What I’m saying is don’t be surprised if we are later introduced to a few vape pen ambassadors or Pornhub lobbyists.
A standout occupation-wise is Paul, who works as a “fridge deliverer.” This is very specific. Suspiciously specific. Like, has anybody looked in the fridges? Maybe somebody should check the fridges just to be safe.
The first night on the island will feature a pool party where the three female contestants will be allowed to spend some alone time with three men of their choosing. This leads to a bit of tension between the ladies, as Nakia and Sarah have both chosen the same guy as one of their three. Luckily, this conflict is quickly diffused, and the ladies agree to share notes on which guys they think are being deceptively nice.
Speaking of plans, we meet contestant Mark, who says he intends to spend time with all the ladies at the pool party despite not being selected for the special one-on-one sessions. Mark kind of looks like a pageant child who wished to be an adult. We definitely have a Big scenario here.
Arriving at the pool party, Garrett M manages to maneuver his way into a one-on-one with Sarah, who is wooed by his directness. Garrett M has already revealed himself to us as an fboy, so Sarah may be in trouble. Garrett M has the personality of a sentient calf implant. He refuses to admit weakness by using a basket at the grocery store. He’s a guy who really needs you to know that he just had his car detailed.
Meanwhile CJ has some time alone with influential nanny Peter. Peter says he was raised by a single mother, to which CJ replies, “That’s hot.” CJ seems like her bio includes the phrases “loved high school” and “got COVID at an orgy.”
Sparks begin to fly as CJ reveals that she chose to spend time with Peter because she thought they would look cute together on holiday cards. The pair high-five over their mutual appreciation of sleep, but Peter goes too far when he says they can be “sleep buddies.” CJ immediately flees the bungalow.
The following day sees our three ladies going on separate dates with the men who proved most appealing at the pool party. Sarah chooses to take a boat ride with Garrett M. As they discuss their career plans, Sarah says her ultimate goal is to “have her own brand.”
Garrett M responds by saying he just needs a little seed money to get his business off the ground: a cruise line that caters solely to anti-vaxxers. I’m joking, probably. I’m afraid to check.
Garrett M opens up to Sarah, explaining that he and his sister were adopted from Russia. He adds that this left him with abandonment issues. Interesting.
Speaking directly to the camera, Garrett M later says that he only opens up to women in order to sleep with them. This is fascinating because Garrett has inadvertently self-diagnosed his own fear of serious commitment. It’s an incredible level of self reflection from a guy who has a podcast where he just discusses Joe Rogan’s podcast.
The premiere episode of FBoy Island ends with one of the nice guys facing elimination reading a weird poem and an eliminated fboy being sent to a shabby tiki prison labeled “LIMBRO.” Despite these noteworthy moments, the biggest takeaway from FBoy Island is watching a man explain how he reveals his real-life abandonment issues in order to carry out a series of meaningless physical relationships devoid of commitment on an emotional or intellectual level. This is an incredibly complex and conflicted moment for what may be the most bog-standard dating show ever imagined.
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