Looks like I really overestimated her. She’s got NOTHING on these women. Nothing. The worst she’s doing is making us spend a weekend at the beach to “relax” and do yoga. In the words of bride-from-hell Stacy’s bridesmaid Katy when she made them do a Pedal Party, “exercising for a party is not a party.” But my sister is marrying a white guy and I guess this is the price we have to pay. (I’m grateful it’s at least yoga and not golf.)
It’s actually embarrassing what a chill bride she is. Where is the drama? Where is the fun? Every dress I’ve tried on she’s like “stunning.” She hasn’t threatened to kick me out or punch me in the face even once.
Bridezillas has raised my expectations and I cannot settle for less. If she’s not going to try on a sheer lace onesie that is three sizes too small for her then what is even the point of all this?
Every bride’s excuse for unreasonable demands and expectations is “I’ve been waiting for this day my whole life.” This is pretty standard nonsense. Maybe it’s me. My dad never called me his little princess and I never dressed up like a bride and forced my teddy bears to marry me. (I gave off extreme Liz Lemon vibes even as a kid.) I think maybe, just maybe, if we didn’t patronize women from a young age to only have marriage and a pretty dress to live for, they wouldn’t put all their heart, soul and life savings into this one day and force their friends into choreographing a dance three days before the wedding.
OK, this is taking a left turn. Where were we?
I’ll admit, I do get a little jealous of these women. I envy the confidence and delusion it takes to require everyone to drop everything for months and make everything about you. I would never for the life of me demand my bridesmaids not eat fried chicken for nine months and pay $500 for new hair, or force the saleslady to massage my feet with lotion so I can force my feet into these tiny shoes.
My one and only demand at my wedding was that the DJ never ever play The Black Eyed Peas. That was it, and when he screwed it up I was rightfully furious.
Sometimes the rage and sadness is justified. Like when Hilary and Symoan’s caterer backed out because they’re a lesbian couple. My heart broke for Hilary when she said some of her family are not attending because they disapprove of her marrying another woman.
If she wanted to throw a motorcycle through a glass window I’d totally understand. Sure, being betrayed by the DJ who went against the rules and played the Black Eyed Peas is not the same as being completely discriminated against for being who I am and loving who I love but still, the Black Eyed Peas? Come on.
We take weddings way too seriously. If this is the most important day in your life, the rest of your long life is going to suck. And don’t get me started on bridesmaids. You want to have a fun wedding, let your friends wear whatever the fuck they want. Americans take this too seriously. Most Persians would not be caught dead in the same dress as someone else at such a huge event, so it was really easy for me to not deal with this at all for my own wedding.
I promise all you soon-to-be brides and grooms, you will not think about your wedding day every day for the rest of your life. You’ll be too occupied with bills, school districts, and keeping tabs on the ten million streaming services and passwords you’ve subscribed to. I stand by my belief that couples who are even considering getting married should plan the wedding before being engaged. That’s the real test of your relationship. My husband and I almost divorced over whether or not we should serve Chinese food. I don’t even remember which side I was on, but I do remember a screaming match in the streets. It was a heated, unsexy debate that would have made for very poor ratings.
One of the best parts of this show, besides the cussing, the threats, and the ridiculous outfits, is the new narrator, Loni Love. I’m absolutely loving her. She has honestly made this already-fantastic show a thousand times better with her shady comments and horny dispatches. (“What do we have here? I see Detective Yum Yum has a snack pack.”)
I will do whatever it takes to have her to follow us around and narrate my sister’s boot camp yoga retreat wedding.